it's the final countdown

well, here i am... embarking on my last month living in grass valley. probably for good. i can't think of any reason i would ever move back here; sooner than retirement. i mean, there are no schools here... no good jobs... nothing to do with films... there is just nothing here for me. well, there is. but nothing within reach, i supposed. things i want, but can't have. i'm better leaving them all behind. the beginning of the end? the end of the beginning? who knows what it even is anymore? SIGH. i feel like it's been too long to even do a bullet point checklist. but i'll try to update you, since my last posting... work: manager at 49er fun park (stilllllllll) & beantrees organic coffee in sacramento....i'ma VP at corporate, yo! (yeah, that "yo" phase still hasn't warn off) i'm living in grass valley with jon bell and tony britton. they're rad dudes, but i'm about to move out. december is the last month of my lease, so i should be out by jan. 1st 2010 -holy shit, it's almost 2010-already! and yes, here goes, back at my mother's house in yuba city. yikes. so, sean and i broke up last, and i've remained single and focused on my personal/work/school/family life quite successfully! -pretty proud of myself. i'm going to art institute for a major in digital filmmaking. almost done with my first year! woo! commuting is tiring me out....like supa fasttttt. it will be weird to see where things go from here. i don't know what's waiting for me in yuba city- if anything. it's hard to imagine anything could be left in that town for me. and furthermore, i'm constantly struggling with an irrational (or rational-who knows?) fear of discontent and regret with the way i'm about to leave things in grass valley. i wonder, once i'm gone... what will i miss? who will i miss? who will i keep? what will always stay with me? what will i tell my children/future husband about when i share stories of my young adult life? the questions are probably insignificant, however, the answers are fascinating, nonetheless. -atleast to me. we shall seeeee we shall see.

also, goodbye to snow.
and watching all of jon bell's office/himym dvds.damn.

the stars

stars (the band) has been a recent favorite, as of late.
every now and then they have a slightly impressive composition, but most of the time i'd rate the music itself as fairly average.
it's the lyrics that really get under my skin and tickle around in my brain.



"when there's nothing left to burn
you have to set yourself on fire
...God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
Your quiet eyes
your mouth that never tells lies
You've got one hour,
IT'S TIME YOU TOLD YOUR STORY...

...write what you know...

-Fall into a corner
-Watch your favorite show
-Pray to God to see her
-Write what you know

...Try as he might, he's unable to speak
He grabs her by the hair, he strokes her on the cheek
The bed is unmade, like everything is
Dark little heaven at the top of the stairs...

...And everyday, it's changed since then
...In every way, I've changed since then

Live through this, and you won't look back...


So good when it ends, they'll never be friends

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose

I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Time can take it's toll on the best of us

Sometimes the T.V. is like a lover
Singing softly as you fall asleep
You wake up in the morning and it's still there
Adding up the things you'll never be

...In every way, I've changed since then

nine minutes and fifty-six seconds to make you cry

if i could tolerate the face these words would make, i would say them.
and if i were strong enough they'd be mine.
these words are not mine.
and you'll never hear them. never find them.
except for here.
in this place where i pretend to say all the things i never will.

"Run your fingers through your hair

Let's pick up from where we left off

Call all your friends, announce the new victory
Once you were sweet to me, knock it off

The music doesn't move you, doesn't soothe you
Doesn't prove you're worth a dime
You work 'round the clock, watch it tick and tock
But this isn't your time
Move over son, it's my turn to shine

Was there ever a moment
One small slice in history
When I took you seriously?

When your belt and your shoes
Did not announce your poor taste so fearlessly?
'Cause that's news to me


And you can forget it, I get it
I just don't let it get to me
I regret to inform I do not fret or mourn
The way things used to be
It's all in the past now, it's all gone

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

The songs he writes are for "dad"
The true love lost 'fore he ever had
If stories begun "If father loved son"
We wouldn't be feelin' so bad
But doesn't everyone?

And it's not that I hate you
I never loved you enough to hate you
To get even or mad so as not to seem sad
Just seems ungrateful
'Cause really, I am thankful I'm sad

Maybe we're the same unabashed and unashamed
Then again, I dunno where you came from

You keep carvin' out names
First Jamie then James
And I can't keep up to restrain you
How come?

We two came together for worst and for better
It's true
And the weather is clever
But she's not the only one getting over you
It's me, too

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

My god, it's no fun to watch you play dumb
With your ugly hand on her thigh
And she's nervous too, but politeness eschews
The impulse to finger deny

Plus, your girlfriend's a spy


And what would she think to look up from her drink
And find you in your sad little vest tryin' hard to undress
The girls you sat down next to?
She'll think nothing
She'll be thinking of you...

I'm glad I don't know the places you go
I'm glad for you and for them
Let's be discreet if we are to meet on Ludlow ever again
Don't mention Ben

It's funny what you miss, it's funny what you don't
I've thought it all through, the potential to fondly reminisce is this:
I won't

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

Don't say we got along
That's remarkably wrong
It doesn't suggest or imply
The thing about us you don't dare discuss
We never got along famously, we just tried

I tried to be good, I tried to be gracious and kind
But working with you has done nothing but prove a total waste of time........

'Cause the real curse is your mind

Sometimes at night I stare at the ceiling

And wonder what's wrong with me?

To involve myself with people
Who don't know what my true feeling might possibly be

Who latch onto my strength like it's all they've got
It takes all of my strengths
And I go through such lengths
To show them it is not what they think they are stealing


And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away


Yes, the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run

You'd rather run away "

sums it all up

so, an old acquaintance sent me an old picture from some old party. it's of sean and i, bless her heart, she hasn't heard...
ehem.
thank a lot.

so i have this picture now. (whaaatever)
but that's not the point.
the point is in my (EXTREMELY BREIF) nostaglic moment of staring at the picture i realized this really does says it all.
if i could sum up all my experiences of dabbling in love. t'would be...

...bam.

me: totally amused.

him: totally not impressed.

awesome.

Seeking No Strings Attached

i am:
woman

who: craves attention, does not like to be alone, does like to be alone, worries, doesn't often respect authority, second guesses, likes to argue, likes to make fun, hates to lose, saves money but isn't good at it, likes to fit in, wants no strings attached.

is: messy, open, rash, irritable, weird, fragile, heart over mind, very social, phobic, suspicious, not careful, vain, compassionate, aggressive, independent, not rule conscious,

has: baggage, lots to learn, no time for love, a desire for cheese.

seeking:
man.

who: sings when he speaks and communicates without talking. gives out more compliments than sperm. cooks with large amounts of garlic & cilantro. reads my face. calls me out. rejects whores. laughs a lot.

must have: high standards. low expectations. goals. morals. a sense of humor. sweet lips. salty skin. interesting dreams. and a love of fine cheese.

maybe

Initially Posted July 25, 2006

maybe everything isn't as that bad.
maybe everything is exactly as it should be.
maybe everything will start comin' together.

maybe it's about to get better than anything you ever left behind or lost.

maybe i can be everything i want.
and maybe that'll be appealing.

maybe you are enough.
and maybe someday you'll want what you have.

maybe being trusted IS a far greater compliment that being loved.
maybe someone caring about you is the most possessive and intrusive thing anyone could ever do to you.
maybe love is the answer.
maybe someday you'll know the answer.
maybe i will, too.

maybe you'll read this and think...
maybe she's writing to me.
-but all you'll really be able to think is....maybe.

maybe every enjoyable thought starts out with a "maybe."

maybe i like you.
but maybe not.
and maybe you'll call.
but maybe not.
and maybe i won't mess up at life.
but maybe so.

EVERYTHING in my life is a maybe...
maybe your life is like that, too?
it keeps my interest compelled
and hope high enough to wait it out.
find out...
to which side will this maybe go?

maybe you'll get what this is all about.
maybe you're just like me.
maybe we don't even know it.
maybe you actually listen,
and maybe i'll never notice that you do.
little you know, little you care.
maybe, BABY, BABY, maybe....

folky friends

Nevada County is weird, and I like it. It's occupants are talented and oddly appealing. I don't know how you can find fascinating people clumped together in a place where nothing happens. the schools (the few that exist) are liberal and artistic, the jobs are relaxed, people are kind and safe, and time moves just a little bit slower.

my favorite part, however, is some of the music. it's something i've always loved, then forgot about, then remembered, and i want to share it with you. the best part of nevada city is without a doubt the grass roots label. "-founded by marc snegg (who's first gig was playing at joanna newsom's 12th birthday party)" -that bit of quotation is from a magazine i read, but can't remember which one...

grass roots is clearly just a bunch of really awesome friends making music. it's inspiring!

Joanna Newsom probably one of the more well known musicians, but surely isn't the end of the list. joanna went to nu high school with alela diane, whom is apparently friends's with mariee sioux; all of whom picked up guitars after witnessing local aaron ross when they were teensey boppers. aaron ross is my personal favorite and if you ever have a chance to see him take it-he plays a lot in sac.


then there's this guy, named Luke, that i first met playing cello for aaron.
and he was mind blowing, as well, but recently moved away....
i hope to hear his music one day...

benjamin oak goodman is another good'en.

they are all beautiful!

there is something really fascinating about going to a show where all the artists not only know one another, but their audience as well.
everything has double meaning.
when he sings that nerve striking song...
you know exactly which girl in the audience it's directed towards...
music has always been a very powerful thing, and years before and after people will continue put their own interpretation on favorite lyrics as to relate to them. but it's really no match for listening to music that was written a few houses down, about all the people you know...singing about a town that you're in...

forgive me for sounded cliche; there's something very magical about these hills, and i think you have to live here to find it.

as for everyone else, go to as many local shows in your town as you possibly ever can.

also, take note:
these are some awesome, younger musicians that aren't a part of grass roots, but they will get their own light soon. keep a watch...
jessica agnew
molly roth
dylan rodrigue

i'm sad to leave this place behind...a part of me really believes i will come back to find it one day and it will have disappeared- as if i imagined the whole thing.

HER LOVE IS DEAD

...is the name of the recent movie project i've been working on.

i'm so excited. we finally wrapped up filming yesterday at 4am.
editing process should take another month or two, and then be on the look out for a public screening! recently, local grass valley radio station (but yc and sacramento will receive it as well) kvmr, 89.5, did a report on us. a station representative even came out to the shoot and had so much fun we dressed her as a zombie extra.

please listen to the broadcast. it's my first media publicity for a film project! i haven't been this excited since my picture was in the newspaper for peter pan (first play).

http://kvmr.org/news/index.html
-you can open it with itunes
-fast forward to the 17 minute marker

also....in the end of the interview when it plays me saying some lines...
please know sean and i were rehearsing the timing of line delivery...
that was not the actual way i said my lines. :)

i know you're all dying to see the movie, but you'll have to wait.
in the meantime...check out these awesome photos!!!

(for more information check out:
http://www.whatisdeerflu.com/
or
deer flu awareness page on facebook)










































































(for full photo albums of our shoots check these out on facebook:
cirstina's
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30715548&id=1201510169#/album.php?aid=2036231&id=1201510169
mine
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30715548&id=1201510169#/album.php?aid=102609&id=500334013
sean's
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30715548&id=1201510169#/album.php?aid=2171770&id=11711393
layne's
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30715548&id=1201510169#/album.php?aid=115399&id=684126889)

thank our fathers

thank our father's
Current mood:fantasizing
Category: Romance and Relationships

i am my father's daughter
but you aren't your father's son

i am she
destined to flee
same as he
destined to be
in this small town
with little rocks
where little boys
in dirty socks
hide their love behind mountains

you ain't he
-just afraid to be
is it tempting?
now that you understand?
now that you have a heart
of a full grown man?

this is why we need each other

daddy's walkin'
this time for good
the difference is i follow him
the difference is you don't
the significance is
i stalk him
no closer than in his shadow
the significance is you
took one last look
then walked firmly in the opposite direction
right up to me. . .

we forgot about anyone else
that ever loved us
and everyone else
that never did

you know, we can leave, too
it'd be so easy
forget this enclosed space
your lover's brace
scratch the story
don't leave a trace
the perfect scheme
you and me
fighting, touching, loving, hating,
biting, laughing, i'm laughing at you
you love this chase
our quarrel's theme
i hate to be so disruptive
this past year's been so productive
but so seductive
we're self-destructive creatures of the night before
can't you face
your longest dream?

let's go where no is watching
and i can kiss you as long as i'd like
you have your wants-wait, reasons (obligations) to stay
but you don't have to prove yourself
i know you better than that
i know
you ain't your father's son
i love you

i'm leaving
i am my father's daughter

prelude to a mistake

prelude to a mistake
Current mood: cynical
Category: Romance and Relationships

...just wanted to extend a hand in peace.
before i ruined it again.
i hate to spoil the "surprise." it's just that a confession like this merits some sort of prelude.
i already know what you're going to say. so, i'll ask that you say nothing at all.

i feel like it's well deserved, and long over due, so don't give me that look.
i feel lots of things.i feel i know lots of things. -but i don't even know that

something weird exists in my head
and i just can't correctly categorize it as observation? or manifestation?
i feel like i know you
but the you i know isn't the you i see
and my heart has just been so obnoxious lately
it drowns out all the other body parts (like my eyes)
so i forget the you i see
and i decide to know, the you i know
but i don't know, if he'll even show
when it really comes down to it

i feel like i could make you so happy, or just as easily provoked-i can't tell anymore

i either know you better than anyone else ever did...or i never knew you at all...

maybe i should hold my confession in just a little longer
-maybe until i know more?


when you're left with the same few words after this many years
you can't help but twist them around however it's relevant to the current phase
i've taken your words
and held them so close to me
under every
pretext
context
subtext
and subtley
everyday they mean something new. what else are you to do?
when you have nothing new to work with.

roughly translated that means: i have nothing to work with
so we're all agreed, then? manifestation anyone?

it's all so poignant i can't help it.

i need help, and you're the only one that can help me now.
you have to set me straight. you can do it! i look up to you. i'll listen.
do something you've never done before

tell me please
tell me it will never work
tell me you wouldn't want it to anyways
tell me you never think about it
you're good at making girls cry, aren't you?
why not me?
why not me?

i know it's a weird request. here, let me help get you on your feet...for starters don't make that face you make or give that look you give...it's just the catalyst to my whole fantasy.
start out with an apathetic tone. no emotion. if anything- maybe slight irritation.
remind me about all those mistakes i made.
remind me how miserable you were.
remind me of every time you were slammed against the stone, in the center of the town, with nothing but your own blood in your stomach.
when even then you could have had your pick at anyone but me
still you chose to be alone.
rachel enjoys memories, right?
why not these ones?

please.
tell me i'm not pretty.
tell me you can't remember how i kiss.
tell me you won't go through this again.
i'm simply not worth it.

pain is the only way to shake off these dreams.
give me something new to work with! something that i can't argue with!
you're better at words than I am. so it should be easy for you, but don't underestimate...i'll put up a fight. but i have faith in you.
your best friend is your worst enemy?

you're the best fucking enemy i've ever had.
and if only i could should show you my thoughts at this exact moment...
don't you fall for it. bring me back to the ground!
take a deep breathe. remember who you are, not who we were.
all i see is your face just inches away.
what were we talking about, again?

don't crack. don't falter.
don't succumb to your own seductions.
unless you want to...there i go, playing tricks. it's all a game.

i don't make sense to myself anymore.
often times i speak just to give someone the opportunity to negate.
what was my point, again?
oh.
yes.
whatever you do...

don't smile when i tell you i love you.